Unconditional relationships with family members?

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planet planet
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Re: Unconditional relationships with family members?

Post by planet planet »

The only good thing that's come out of my mom's premature and sudden passing is how my sister and my relationship has evolved. She's out of town, but we talk about an hour twice a week. Now we're giddy about being best friends.

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Leroy
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Re: Unconditional relationships with family members?

Post by Leroy »

I got into a pretty good spat with my little brother a few years ago and didn't talk to him for about six months. Mind you, he did a pretty [expletive] thing to me. But mom kind of brokered a peace deal and now we are back to good. Other than that I have no problem with any family except for my dad.

Vidor
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Re: Unconditional relationships with family members?

Post by Vidor »

Our parents' divorce was quite ugly and my father behaved quite badly. I figured "well, still my dad" and we get along OK so long as I remember that the #1 thing in my dad's life is my dad. My sister, on the other hand, hasn't spoken to him in 15 years and probably never will again.

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Radbird
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Re: Unconditional relationships with family members?

Post by Radbird »

There has been no direct communication between my youngest sister and me since our mom passed two years ago (issues over how the estate was handled). She and her clan (4 grown kids, 1 grandchild) are the only remaining immediate family in STL. This has been hard on mini-rad - as an only child, the schism has extended to her and the four cousins (her closest relatives by age). Very unfortunate - I've told her that those relationships should be independent of whatever is going on between me and her aunt but in reality there is no way they can't be affected.

The cousin she was closest to is getting married. Growing up they always talked about being in each other's wedding. Now it appears she won't even get an invitation. And likely would hesitate go anyway because of "the elephant in the room" atmosphere it would cause. It breaks my heart to see this unfolding and not be able to fix it. Even if the sibling relationship could be mended the family hostility would not suddenly disappear - I've had other family members tell me of the bitterness still felt toward me. My BIL has told anyone who will listen that he "never wants to see that SOB again". Her kids hate me because she's aired all of our issues to them (despite my asking that we keep things between siblings so we don't affect cousin relations). So it doesn't look like we're ever going to be sitting in a circle singing kumbaya. And speaking selfishly that's fine with me. I've had enough of all the drama. I just wish it didn't have this generational impact.

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heyzeus
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Re: Unconditional relationships with family members?

Post by heyzeus »

I'm sorry to hear that Rad. I completely agree - there's no reason that this should ever have involved the kids. You're probably correct that it was unavoidable to some extent, but it infuriates me when parents try to turn kids against other parts of the family because of their grievances against someone else in the family.

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sighyoung
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Re: Unconditional relationships with family members?

Post by sighyoung »

I'm really sorry to hear that, Radbird, but I do think some of these relationships just become toxic, unfortunately.

I looked back at what I wrote a few years ago, I'm still taking care of my mother, whose dementia is getting gradually worse by the day. At the same time, she recently told me that she knew that I was the reason she was still alive, and that I was the one reason she had to keep on living. It frankly surprised me, but I felt genuinely gratified. I hadn't thought of that.

At the same time, my former sister-in-law still hates my brother (her former husband) so deeply that she hates everyone related to him. I've not had contact with her for years, and she's made sure that I have no contact with my nephew (who is now 18). She has also ignored my children. My daughter's thirteen, and this former SIL has never acknowledged that my daughter is even alive.

In a situation like this, I don't want my children exposed to this woman, ever. They aren't missing out on anything.

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