I don't know how to react to this (a serious post, really).

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Leroy
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I don't know how to react to this (a serious post, really).

Post by Leroy »

In the last few days I have found out some disturbing things about my best friend. I am posting here for a sounding board as I don't want to put it on Facebook as people will figure it out pretty easily.

Anyway, there is this fellow that has been my best friend for about 25 years. A great friend. I haven't seen him much in the last few years as he lives a long ways away, but still...

He went missing last week. He was gone for about 3 days. Well not really gone, as he was found, but he has a knot on his head and has amnesia. Due to some problems he has had the last few months, I am not 100% sure the amnesia is real, but according to his wife it is confirmed. He does not know me or my wife, only has our names on his phone.

We have so many great memories with this guy, and to him at least, they are erased. Retelling them would be like telling someone, 'I guess you had to be there'. Just stories. I really am having a hard time getting my head around this.

I mean, when I see him, what the hell do I say?

I didn't know where else to vent this. I trust this place more than any other on the internet.

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Re: I don't know how to react to this (a serious post, reall

Post by Freed Roger »

I guess if he was a good friend before, trust that he can be again. Probably this person is more nervous about all this than you are. Just be genuine.

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Re: I don't know how to react to this (a serious post, reall

Post by AWvsCBsteeeerike3 »

Wow, sorry to hear that. It's incredibly scary and sad that you all are going through such a tragic event and you have reason to believe he may be making it up.

Without knowing too much, I'd proceed by 100% believing he has amnesia and continuing to be a friend. At one point, you all didn't know each other and became best friends. No reason that can't happen again even if it means starting a relationship from the very beginning. If he's suffering from amnesia, you're in the unique perspective of knowing him better than he knows himself in a way. And, he has to be incredibly shocked/scared so taking him to do things that you all liked to do together should help alleviate some anxiousness he must be going through. I'm sure there are all sorts of medical professionals in his life right now that are giving guidance as well; so helping him follow their advice would obviously be prudent as well.

I hesitate to say this, obviously you know the situation better than anyone here, but addiction or other circumstances can lead people down dark paths and do things that most people would never understand. So....you know, proceed with caution. It sounds very sketch.

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stlouie_lipp
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Re: I don't know how to react to this (a serious post, reall

Post by stlouie_lipp »

Even if he doesn't remember you his wife surely does and will be glad you visited. As much as anything go for her comfort and support. You never know what may jog his memory either.

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Re: I don't know how to react to this (a serious post, reall

Post by heyzeus »

Take him at face value until you have reason to believe otherwise. And like Lipp said, even if he either can't remember you or is pretending he can't, his wife will appreciate your support.

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Re: I don't know how to react to this (a serious post, reall

Post by Leroy »

Thanks.

He was in some legal trouble before this, and recently lost one of his jobs, so my first reaction was it was fake. He may have been into drugs, I don't know. His wife said his personality had changed. My thoughts are that he was spending time with some not so great people and got into some bad stuff. I did hear the conversation he had with my wife, he will call me sometime this week. If he is lying, he is doing a good job.

I hate to sound mean here, but I just don't think he could pull this off as a fake. He's just not very good at lying. I am a fantastic liar, kind of Costanza-ish, and I don't think I could even pull this off.

I will wait for his call. It will be weird. He apologized to my wife that he didn't meet us in Omaha as his texts said he would, and she joked, 'That's OK, you wouldn't have known us anyway'. The kind of stuff we always said. He was totally confused by that and she had to explain that we used to pick on each other like that. I was probably the worst 'picker' in the group, so I'll have to be careful with my words.

We found out on the way home from Omaha, that he was found, and my first reaction was to go and ask him what the hell...then found out about the amnesia. Maybe was a good thing that I missed out on seeing him.

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Re: I don't know how to react to this (a serious post, reall

Post by Freed Roger »

Hard to figure what my mindset/attitude would be, since so sad/strange and don't have the history you have had with this friend.
That said, these are questions I'd be asking myself:
Whether the amnesia real (or not), how much does that matter to you? Would you have supported the friend if he came back without it? Diid this guy do anything harmful to you or your family or is it mostly self-inflicted? Does being a friend now involve enabling some sort of addiction?

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Re: I don't know how to react to this (a serious post, reall

Post by Gashouse »

I'm not sure how common amnesia is, so it's probably good and healthy to be a little skeptical. Regardless, one way or another, it sounds like your friend really needs a good friend right now and that you're the right person to be that friend.

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Re: I don't know how to react to this (a serious post, reall

Post by sighyoung »

Right now, I think all you can do is be kind and patient. It is strange, but so long as you don't get sucked into anything problematic, I think you can give him the benefit of the doubt, but proceed with some caution.

He's probably scared and trying to place himself socially: who are my friends? Family? Neighbors? Where did I grow up? Go to school? In an odd way, he's trying to figure out who he is by the connections he has.

Although this is a different situation, it kind of reminds me of my mother, who has dementia. She is always asking who her family is and where they are, which is a way of placing herself, but also feeling safe and connected. That somebody remembers her and will take care of her.

In the meantime, do you have pictures of the two of you together? Any high school stuff? I wouldn't worry about triggering any memories--I think it's just nice to have mementos you can show him to place himself, even though it's bittersweet that he can't remember things.

As for the conversation, just see where it goes. But it sounds like it will be like reintroducing yourself to a stranger interested in meeting you. I don't think you have to retell the entire history of your friendship. What's important and reassuring is that you've been good friends for many, many years, and he'll understand why while he talks to you.

By the way, I really hope this isn't a sign of developing mental illness.

Best wishes to him and to you.

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Re: I don't know how to react to this (a serious post, reall

Post by lukethedrifter »

Tim?

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