cancer

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heyzeus
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Re: cancer

Post by heyzeus »

Thanks friends, I really appreciate it.

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Fat_Bulldog
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Re: cancer

Post by Fat_Bulldog »

I'm so sorry to hear zeus. Glad you are able to come visit.

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IMADreamer
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Re: cancer

Post by IMADreamer »

Damn Zeus I'm so sorry to hear that.

Freed Roger
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Re: cancer

Post by Freed Roger »

Damn, sorry Zeus.

AWvsCBsteeeerike3
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Re: cancer

Post by AWvsCBsteeeerike3 »

[expletive], sorry to hear Zeus.

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G. Keenan
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Re: cancer

Post by G. Keenan »

My sympathies, homie. Hang tough.

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cardinalkarp
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Re: cancer

Post by cardinalkarp »

Sorry to hear that Zeus, cancer touches way too many lives these days.

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Radbird
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Re: cancer

Post by Radbird »

Just seeing this as life has been hectic the last couple of weeks.

Hope all is going well for the Zeus family.

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heyzeus
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Re: cancer

Post by heyzeus »

Thanks guys. It’s going to be a long road, but there’s reason to be hopeful - they’re going to be aggressive and go after it. Surgery is likely in the next month or so.

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heyzeus
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Re: cancer

Post by heyzeus »

Please forgive my ramblings. I don't do much writing these days or talk to many people about what's going on.

While I was in St. Louis to visit and help out, my Dad said he wanted to go to the cemetery where most of our family is buried. It's in University City, a long drive on a 35 degree drizzly day, but it seemed important to him. During the trip, I learned that his odds are significantly worse than I had expected. We arrive at the family plot - not another living soul is present in the entire cemetery. It's good to see the headstones of my grandparents, who I miss dearly. We leave a pebble on each of their headstones, which is a Jewish tradition of remembrance - the rock symbolizing, I think, a little piece of permanence to contrast with the ephemeral nature of existence, and a way of fighting back against loss of memory over time.

I was taken aback to find engraved headstones for my mom and dad, with their names and dates of birth then a dash then a blank for their inevitable date of death. I knew that some time back they had purchased their plots, so that they would some day be buried next to many of their parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I had no idea they had engraved headstones in place, just...waiting. Needless to say, the connection to my father's current illness and prognosis wasn't lost on me. Seeing that has recast the way I've thought about the road forward in treatment, in surgery, and hopefully in recovery. I don't want it to, but I feel a shadow cast over the path forward. It's hard to shake. I keep thinking about the slate gray headstone with their names on it.

While stile in the cemetery, I walked over with my dad to his father's headstone. My grandpa was an instrumental figure in my life. I spent so much time at his house playing checkers, learning other logic games, listening to stories of the grocery store he ran for decades in North St. Louis. In his retirement, he volunteered at my elementary school for years, just doing extra reading tutoring for kids that needed it. I noticed a flag and metal star next to his headstone, which are placed to honor war veterans. My grandfather was never in the military. My dad explained that he took it from someone else's grave, because my grampa "worked at a munitions plant during the war and deserved it." I was too horrified and dazed by this whole experience to say much in response.

On the way out, I saw my dad use his cane to intentionally knock one of the stones our family had left on the headstone of one of my great aunts. I have no idea why. What is at the heart of this grudge? She died perhaps 10 years ago now. Why desecrate her memory, if even in some small and inconsequential yet petty way? I don't know.

My dad's a complicated person -- full of love and pride for his kids, but also full of anger of an unknown origin. He's often cruel and bitter. He is boisterous and the life of any party, but also privately has insulted every family member I know of, meaning when I'm out of earshot he no doubt has insulted me as well. I love him, he's tough to be around, I feel guilty for feeling how tough he is to be around, and he may be gone, maybe soon, hopefully not.

Every day is basically pretty complicated. But I need to work and compliment my kids' adorable craft projects and tend to their owies and bring them more cereal and read Harry Potter with them, which is wonderful to do and I am lucky beyond the stars to get to do these things with them because lord knows they'll be all grown up, like, tomorrow. And at the same time, the shadow mentioned above -- it's there, and it's a deep well.

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