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PostPosted: December 16 11, 1:22 pm 
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Okay. I've got a story that I have been debating on rather or not to post in here. I think I will later this afternoon when all my work is done. It's lengthy, but worth it.


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PostPosted: December 16 11, 1:24 pm 
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If this involves taking a dump on the hood of a moving Jeep, I'm very interested.


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PostPosted: December 16 11, 1:46 pm 
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Tambourine Man wrote:
If this involves taking a dump on the hood of a moving Jeep, I'm very interested.


Likewise, if it involves you walking in on your ex-gf giving one of those douchebags a Cleveland Steamer, I'm interested.


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PostPosted: December 16 11, 1:47 pm 
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I'm taking note that I need to check GRB this afternoon.


btw, don't try to make your own wet nap for that last wipe, if you don't use the right fluid it can burn like hell...


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PostPosted: December 16 11, 2:07 pm 
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I've got a [expletive] story for you. And it's happening as we speak. I had the day off work today, and decided to go to my parents' house to visit my dogs. I felt fine all day, and was actually in a good mood about it because I have a lot of digestive issues usually. So I decided to go to get some lunch about a half hour ago. I planned on getting a Subway chicken sandwich. As I drive out of my neighborhood I realize I'm farting a lot. I figured it was just from eating cereal this morning because I had a lot of soy milk with it. Whatever it was, it wasn't messing around. By the time I got a mile away from the house, I knew I was going to have to drop a deuce deuce riot. Turns out I was going to be driving through somewhere. So I did, and it took forever of course. Got my food and decided it was just a weird stomach ache and I would make it back to my apartment. Only a twenty minute drive, no big deal. I got on the highway and it turned in to a big deal. I was trying to get the farts out and my face quickly turned from giggles of enjoyment to that horrible realization that I need to change my boxers. I was clenching my cheeks the entire ride home. I tried everything: rolling the windows down all the way trying to freeze myself and distract my senses, turning the music up really loudly to distract my senses... all the basics. So I'm about five minutes away, and I've definitely sharted at least twice more. I'm waiting on a left turn on Big Bend and there are tons of cars. At this point I'm having contractions. Every 30 seconds ago I need to clench until it passes. Finally theres a small break, probably not a safe enough one, and I fly in front of traffic to make the left turn. Only two more streets and I'm home. So I make it home, turn off my car, unlock the door faster than anyone has ever unlocked a door. I grabbed my laptop and bolted in the bathroom and here I am. Telling my story. Re-post this on your status if you know someone directly affected by sharting.


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PostPosted: December 16 11, 3:18 pm 
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Nice Gantz. Glad you made it though in the future I wouldn't worry so much about the laptop. So, here goes, sorry it's so long, enjoy my misfortune:

When I was a freshman in college, I was a lot more naive than I am today and just beginning to find my wild side stride. Anyway, I'm out at this bar called C.O.s or Kams. One of the ones on Daniel Street in Champaign. Regardless, this cute girl comes up to me and says she needs a date tomorrow (Sunday) for her sorority float trip. I have no clue what a float trip is nor do I know anything about sororities. But, she's cute and I'm not afraid so I say yes. We hang out for a bit; I ask what I need to bring/what this 'float trip' entails and she tells me food for the two of us as we will be 'out' all day and whatever I want to drink + O and Os for her/don't worry be at her sorority at 8 am b/c that's when the busses leave. Okay. Check. I figure we'll be 'out' on a lake paddling around. At least that is the impression I got. Obviously. Not. Right.

I have to go meet up with other friends/get this stuff so we exchange phone numbers and I head out. Meet up with some guys, get 2 cases of beer for the next day and two bottles of Orange Krush and Orange vodka. Two subway sandwiches and a cooler. I am set.

I get back to my dorm and because I am so proud of myself(because I worked so hard and all)/pumped up for getting this 'date' proceed to start drinking and get obliterated with my roomate/people in the dorm. Stay up until around 2-3 am before finally passing out after drinking one of the cases of beer and some of the vodka.

7:45 the next morning came early. I get a call, while still asleep, from this girl. I have forgotten her name at this poitn. [expletive] me for that. I have her number saved as 'K'. Oh well, it'll come to me. She's freaking out because people are starting to get on the bus and I'm not there. I assure her I'm on my way.

And this is a little side note, when I'm hungover, 50% of the time everytime the first thing I have to do in the morning is take a [expletive]. I don't know if beer turns into turds or if the alcohol relaxes my intestines or what the hell the story is, but without fail it's the first thing I have to do. This morning was no different, but in order to quell K's nerves I decide I'll just get to her place and drop a deuce there before getting on the bus. Throw on some swim trunks over my underwear, flip flops, tshirt and grab my cooler....which I foolishly packed with ice the night before.

It is normally like a 5 minute walk to this girls sorority, but with a cooler full of ice/water, beer, vodka, soda, water and subway sandwiches it took 10. And it made my wanting to take a [expletive] all the worse. As I get there, I don't see anyone. But that's okay because I am there, set the cooler down, give her a hug and head inside. Except she asks where I'm going. Well...you know....I was just gonna go wash my hands because um the um walk over um I got some sap on them.... She's not buying it. And, she's pissed because it's like 8:10 and they've been waiting on me. For [expletive] sake. Who the [expletive] leaves on time w a bus load of drunks. Like, seriously. But....apparently these people do. And, the head [expletive] of the sorority is now yelling at me for being late. Seriously? I'm forced onto the bus and don't get to take a [expletive]. [expletive].

The misery only lasts a second or two until someone shoves a jello shot down my throat which I take just as the bus starts pulling out. For the next 2 hours, I drank my ass off. Met everyone on the bus, remembered this girls name was Kate, took a million beer bongs, drank a million shots and proceeded to be the king of the bus. I rock. Every now and then, I am reminded that I haven't taken my morning dookie, but the feeling quickly dies with the next shot. And, plus, we're on our way to some fancy lake house - I convince myself - complete with a resort and bathrooms. All I have to do is enjoy my time until we get there...which will be soon.

After 2 hours of partying like it's New Years Eve 1999, our bus arrives to this campground looking place about 11 am. I am in heaven. Everyone is loving me, Kate might be in love with me and most importantly, I'm about to get to take a [expletive]. I open the back door of the bus, hop out and start walking. Everyone yells at me to get back on the bus because we still have to go 'upstream'. WTF. But, whatever I can oblige. In my mind we are close....but what does 'upstream' mean.

We drive like 30 minutes 'upstream'. I am in hell. At this point, I have drank so much, I have to piss almost as bad as I have to [expletive] and that makes the [expletive] that I have to take almost uncontrollable. I might die or [expletive] myself and if I do die, I'm definitely going to [expletive] myself. Finally we pull up to this river bank. We're there! I jump out, looking for a bathroom. I am in pain. There are no bathrooms, no outhouses, no nothing. Just a riverbank with a [expletive] of canoes. At this piont, I have lost Kate. I don't even care if I ever see her again. I have to find a bathroom. Ask one of the workers where the closest [expletive] is. He just laughs at me and tells me it's at the end of the trip. WHAT TRIP?!?!? I thought we were going to be out on a [expletive] lake, paddling the [expletive] around, making out because I'm so awesome and charming, and then we would come home get some food, cuddle in each others arms and fall asleep (I was young, shut up).

FML

Kate finds me. Asks me to get the cooler into our canoe. I oblige but am in a panic at this point. I have no idea how I am going to make it without taking a [expletive]. I get the cooler in the canoe, get in the canoe, Kate gets in the canoe and we take off in a group of about 20 people. The water or maybe copious amounts of booze helped calm me down, but I still had to [expletive]. AFter about 15 minutes of hell I went up to this guy I had made friends with on the bus and told him about my conundrum. Asked him how long until we got to the end and what I should do. He can't stop laughing. THis isn't funny [expletive]. He explains what a float trip is, how far we have to go and that I'll have to [expletive] in the woods somewhere.

FML

So, he gets everyone to pull over to a bank just downstream and I take off sprinting through the woods. Kate yells at me to ask where I'm going. I have no idea what to say so I just keep running. Finally come to a barbed wire fence a hundred yards or so into the woods, jump over it to get to this round bale. I don't care about anything at this point as I pull my pants down squat back against this bale and take the most rewarding [expletive] of all time. Still to this day I can remember how good it felt. It was, in a phrase, the best feeling in the world. Better than sex.

My life is awesome.

After enjoying it for a minute, finishing my piss, and just squatting there, I go to look at how big the pile was. Because, let's be honest, it's kind of fun to see how big of a [expletive] you can take and surely this one was going to be a personal best. But, I couldn't find it. Like...WTF where did it go. That's when the best feeling in the world turned into, in a phrase, the worst feeling in the world. All the blood drains from my brain at this point as I realize I hadn't squatted over far enough and still had my feet under me when I let the [expletive] fly and every last [expletive] ounce had fallen into my pants. 2.5 hour bus ride from home, drunk, probably 5 pounds of foul dirty wet beer riddled [expletive] in my pants. I want to die. So, I puke.

FML

I take my pants off, carefully remove my underwear from my swim trunks to keep this entire [expletive] load of dunn from spilling into my trunks and fling it. Still, there is a lot of poo in my swim trunks. I now have to get back over this barbed wire fence, pants smearing poop as I do and I sprint for the river. Theres only like 1' of water in the river, and it's not really flowing, but whatever. I have to get as clean as possible. It was a pretty futile effort. After a couple minutes of everyone wondering what I was doing, people start coming over only to see the horrid situation I'm in. Kate no longer wants to ride in a canoe with me because I stink, but neither does anyone else so she's stuck. The rest of the group wants nothing to do with me. For like the next hour I was the dunce of the group.

Anyway, I quit caring about an hour after it happened...once I got used to the smell. I mean, [expletive], it's not like there was anythign else to do but try to have fun. So, I get oblominated and drink the rest of my beer and start in on the vodka. And, amazingly had a good time. I made a couple really good friends that float trip. None of the girls ever cared for me again, including kate (it turns out, on top of pooping myself, I was calling her the wrong name. she goes by Katie, but whatever). But a few of the guys and I became good friends. I guess if you're willing to stick by someone after they [expletive] themselves then that says something.


We finally get done and I luckily had packed a change of clothes that I switched into. But, apparently no one can keep a secret in a sorority and it was quickly known by all that I had [expletive] myself. Like it's never happened to any one else. Come on. Who hasn't [expletive] themselves? Even George Brett has.


So, there you go, I [expletive] myself on a first date and then the girl had to sit with me for the next 5 hours.


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PostPosted: December 16 11, 3:37 pm 
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Holy [expletive]... literally. Beerstrike comes through again. [expletive] amazing.


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PostPosted: December 16 11, 4:36 pm 
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gone fission
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AWvsCBsteeeerike3 wrote:
Nice Gantz. Glad you made it though in the future I wouldn't worry so much about the laptop. So, here goes, sorry it's so long, enjoy my misfortune:

When I was a freshman in college, I was a lot more naive than I am today and just beginning to find my wild side stride. Anyway, I'm out at this bar called C.O.s or Kams. One of the ones on Daniel Street in Champaign. Regardless, this cute girl comes up to me and says she needs a date tomorrow (Sunday) for her sorority float trip. I have no clue what a float trip is nor do I know anything about sororities. But, she's cute and I'm not afraid so I say yes. We hang out for a bit; I ask what I need to bring/what this 'float trip' entails and she tells me food for the two of us as we will be 'out' all day and whatever I want to drink + O and Os for her/don't worry be at her sorority at 8 am b/c that's when the busses leave. Okay. Check. I figure we'll be 'out' on a lake paddling around. At least that is the impression I got. Obviously. Not. Right.

I have to go meet up with other friends/get this stuff so we exchange phone numbers and I head out. Meet up with some guys, get 2 cases of beer for the next day and two bottles of Orange Krush and Orange vodka. Two subway sandwiches and a cooler. I am set.

I get back to my dorm and because I am so proud of myself(because I worked so hard and all)/pumped up for getting this 'date' proceed to start drinking and get obliterated with my roomate/people in the dorm. Stay up until around 2-3 am before finally passing out after drinking one of the cases of beer and some of the vodka.

7:45 the next morning came early. I get a call, while still asleep, from this girl. I have forgotten her name at this poitn. [expletive] me for that. I have her number saved as 'K'. Oh well, it'll come to me. She's freaking out because people are starting to get on the bus and I'm not there. I assure her I'm on my way.

And this is a little side note, when I'm hungover, 50% of the time everytime the first thing I have to do in the morning is take a [expletive]. I don't know if beer turns into turds or if the alcohol relaxes my intestines or what the hell the story is, but without fail it's the first thing I have to do. This morning was no different, but in order to quell K's nerves I decide I'll just get to her place and drop a deuce there before getting on the bus. Throw on some swim trunks over my underwear, flip flops, tshirt and grab my cooler....which I foolishly packed with ice the night before.

It is normally like a 5 minute walk to this girls sorority, but with a cooler full of ice/water, beer, vodka, soda, water and subway sandwiches it took 10. And it made my wanting to take a [expletive] all the worse. As I get there, I don't see anyone. But that's okay because I am there, set the cooler down, give her a hug and head inside. Except she asks where I'm going. Well...you know....I was just gonna go wash my hands because um the um walk over um I got some sap on them.... She's not buying it. And, she's pissed because it's like 8:10 and they've been waiting on me. For [expletive] sake. Who the [expletive] leaves on time w a bus load of drunks. Like, seriously. But....apparently these people do. And, the head [expletive] of the sorority is now yelling at me for being late. Seriously? I'm forced onto the bus and don't get to take a [expletive]. [expletive].

The misery only lasts a second or two until someone shoves a jello shot down my throat which I take just as the bus starts pulling out. For the next 2 hours, I drank my ass off. Met everyone on the bus, remembered this girls name was Kate, took a million beer bongs, drank a million shots and proceeded to be the king of the bus. I rock. Every now and then, I am reminded that I haven't taken my morning dookie, but the feeling quickly dies with the next shot. And, plus, we're on our way to some fancy lake house - I convince myself - complete with a resort and bathrooms. All I have to do is enjoy my time until we get there...which will be soon.

After 2 hours of partying like it's New Years Eve 1999, our bus arrives to this campground looking place about 11 am. I am in heaven. Everyone is loving me, Kate might be in love with me and most importantly, I'm about to get to take a [expletive]. I open the back door of the bus, hop out and start walking. Everyone yells at me to get back on the bus because we still have to go 'upstream'. WTF. But, whatever I can oblige. In my mind we are close....but what does 'upstream' mean.

We drive like 30 minutes 'upstream'. I am in hell. At this point, I have drank so much, I have to piss almost as bad as I have to [expletive] and that makes the [expletive] that I have to take almost uncontrollable. I might die or [expletive] myself and if I do die, I'm definitely going to [expletive] myself. Finally we pull up to this river bank. We're there! I jump out, looking for a bathroom. I am in pain. There are no bathrooms, no outhouses, no nothing. Just a riverbank with a [expletive] of canoes. At this piont, I have lost Kate. I don't even care if I ever see her again. I have to find a bathroom. Ask one of the workers where the closest [expletive] is. He just laughs at me and tells me it's at the end of the trip. WHAT TRIP?!?!? I thought we were going to be out on a [expletive] lake, paddling the [expletive] around, making out because I'm so awesome and charming, and then we would come home get some food, cuddle in each others arms and fall asleep (I was young, shut up).

FML

Kate finds me. Asks me to get the cooler into our canoe. I oblige but am in a panic at this point. I have no idea how I am going to make it without taking a [expletive]. I get the cooler in the canoe, get in the canoe, Kate gets in the canoe and we take off in a group of about 20 people. The water or maybe copious amounts of booze helped calm me down, but I still had to [expletive]. AFter about 15 minutes of hell I went up to this guy I had made friends with on the bus and told him about my conundrum. Asked him how long until we got to the end and what I should do. He can't stop laughing. THis isn't funny [expletive]. He explains what a float trip is, how far we have to go and that I'll have to [expletive] in the woods somewhere.

FML

So, he gets everyone to pull over to a bank just downstream and I take off sprinting through the woods. Kate yells at me to ask where I'm going. I have no idea what to say so I just keep running. Finally come to a barbed wire fence a hundred yards or so into the woods, jump over it to get to this round bale. I don't care about anything at this point as I pull my pants down squat back against this bale and take the most rewarding [expletive] of all time. Still to this day I can remember how good it felt. It was, in a phrase, the best feeling in the world. Better than sex.

My life is awesome.

After enjoying it for a minute, finishing my piss, and just squatting there, I go to look at how big the pile was. Because, let's be honest, it's kind of fun to see how big of a [expletive] you can take and surely this one was going to be a personal best. But, I couldn't find it. Like...WTF where did it go. That's when the best feeling in the world turned into, in a phrase, the worst feeling in the world. All the blood drains from my brain at this point as I realize I hadn't squatted over far enough and still had my feet under me when I let the [expletive] fly and every last [expletive] ounce had fallen into my pants. 2.5 hour bus ride from home, drunk, probably 5 pounds of foul dirty wet beer riddled [expletive] in my pants. I want to die. So, I puke.

FML

I take my pants off, carefully remove my underwear from my swim trunks to keep this entire [expletive] load of dunn from spilling into my trunks and fling it. Still, there is a lot of poo in my swim trunks. I now have to get back over this barbed wire fence, pants smearing poop as I do and I sprint for the river. Theres only like 1' of water in the river, and it's not really flowing, but whatever. I have to get as clean as possible. It was a pretty futile effort. After a couple minutes of everyone wondering what I was doing, people start coming over only to see the horrid situation I'm in. Kate no longer wants to ride in a canoe with me because I stink, but neither does anyone else so she's stuck. The rest of the group wants nothing to do with me. For like the next hour I was the dunce of the group.

Anyway, I quit caring about an hour after it happened...once I got used to the smell. I mean, [expletive], it's not like there was anythign else to do but try to have fun. So, I get oblominated and drink the rest of my beer and start in on the vodka. And, amazingly had a good time. I made a couple really good friends that float trip. None of the girls ever cared for me again, including kate (it turns out, on top of pooping myself, I was calling her the wrong name. she goes by Katie, but whatever). But a few of the guys and I became good friends. I guess if you're willing to stick by someone after they [expletive] themselves then that says something.


We finally get done and I luckily had packed a change of clothes that I switched into. But, apparently no one can keep a secret in a sorority and it was quickly known by all that I had [expletive] myself. Like it's never happened to any one else. Come on. Who hasn't [expletive] themselves? Even George Brett has.


So, there you go, I [expletive] myself on a first date and then the girl had to sit with me for the next 5 hours.


Quoted for future reference.


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PostPosted: December 16 11, 5:27 pm 
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Poop stories are always hilariously awesome, and that was one of the best I've ever heard. You should seriously submit that to poopreport.com


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PostPosted: December 17 11, 11:29 am 
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gone fission
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AW's posts are rapidly becoming as legendary and epic as sigh's, but they're legendary and epic on a completely different level.


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