Parent drama

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ghostrunner
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Parent drama

Post by ghostrunner »

Got a call from my dad today. My youngest is 14, a boy who happens to have long hair. This does get a little political but that's not the point.

Here's how it went. He calls, I answer:

"Hello"
"Chris, it's dad. Where are you?"
"I'm at work"
"AT work"
"Hey, I don't know if you want to talk about this now, but...are you alone?"
"Yeah"
"Look, I saw this picture of [my son, his grandson]. Crazy long hair. Are you all trying to turn him into a girl or what?"
"Dad, I'm hanging up. Bye."

My dad can get some weird ideas in his head, but this is the first time he's ever insinuated that I'm somehow responsible or doing something he perceives as bad to my own child. I'm pretty sure he's watching a certain news channel too much.

Anyway, I was furious and did hang up on him. He called back and left a voicemail, seeming to be unsure whether I'd hung up on him or disconnected. Says we need to talk about this and some other things. Then texted me and said they're doing a new will and there's a lot to talk about, wants me to come down by myself.

He's 78 and possibly losing it. Getting more irritable. So that's part of this too. But he waited to make this call until my mother was in the doctor's office. So he knows what he's doing here. I love him. Used to idolize him. We stopped talking about politics after Trump. Now I think this relationship is done for beyond simple greetings whenever we might see each other.


January is really throwing up some whoppers.

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heyzeus
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Re: Parent drama

Post by heyzeus »

Sorry, ghost. Believe me when I say it: I understand. I had a lot of frustrating and difficult conversations like this with my own father. I did my best to make points in favor of decency and reason, but I can't say how effective I was. Many times I said "Well, we're just going to have to disagree about that. Did you see what Wainwright did last night?"

Oh and my son has long hair too. Just like I did when I was in high school. He likes it, he takes care of it, and that effects precisely no one else in any way. You just keep standing up for him and that's all that matters.

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ghostrunner
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Re: Parent drama

Post by ghostrunner »

I hear you. This is just a new level. We were at that baseball conversation phase already, but this is probably more than I can stomach. It's not just "is he too feminine?", which I can handle. It's "are *you* *trying* to make him a girl?"

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thrill
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Re: Parent drama

Post by thrill »

My Fox-pilled grandpa has taken to calling my nieces liberal lesbians because they have short hair. This is the same guy who asked my parents if I'm gay because I never bring girls around to family events, never considering that the reason I didn't bring girls around is because I knew he couldn't help himself from humiliating me / antagonizing me in front of them. These guys all end up mad that no one wants to be around them, while being incredibly unpleasant to be around. Sad.

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G. Keenan
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Re: Parent drama

Post by G. Keenan »

The tendency of men as they age to shrink into themselves and become resentful and moody and mean as their lives recede into the rearview mirror is something I really hope to avoid.

Arthur Dent
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Re: Parent drama

Post by Arthur Dent »

I know this isn’t the core of your story, but I’ve watched this inheritance manipulation drama stuff happen multiple times, and it’s just tremendously sad. It happened with my mom’s parents, with my wife’s parents, and to various other friends. The things that get said come off to me as just totally bizarre. My grandpa wrote us all some crazy screed with absurd accusations that I read and felt like I could not recognize as something a person would ever write much less the person I knew. In addition to cognitive loss, I think it must be in part a way of dealing with end of life fear and anxiety and way to assert power again that you feel you’ve lost.

I’m 90% confident my parents won’t do this, but I’ve told them I would much prefer they spend their money for themselves while they can, but they’re frugal on principle, even when there’s no objective reason to be, type people, so there will probably be leftovers anyway. I know that people have all kinds of view and spoken and unspoken expectations about inheritance, but I feel like this is an important reason why it’s kinda a bad institution, and that it’s good to opt out the expectations of being a recipient if practical.

Also, objecting to long hair on men? Are going all the way back to 1960s culture stuff now?

Arthur Dent
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Re: Parent drama

Post by Arthur Dent »

Also, in my experience, 90%+ of acrimonious political ranting is a way of expressing frustrations and anger that have little to do with the nominal topic. For example, at my old job, the (absurdly underpaid) woman who ran inventory went from being a bit odd but a fundamentally good and decent co-worker to ranting about Biden and The Democrats after the shipping guy quit, and the bosses made her do his job for crazy hours and no raise.

To that end, though we may feel the need to argue the points on principle, I think it’s ok to just skip it if you want because that’s not really what’s actually going on.

Edit: to be clear, I don’t think anybody should have to accept cruel personal insults. Just think that these thing are often said just as way to be mean rather than what they are nominally saying.
Last edited by Arthur Dent on January 26 23, 2:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Leroy
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Re: Parent drama

Post by Leroy »

Luckily my parents have nothing, so the inheritance isn't a concern. And it wasn't getting older for my dad, he was an [expletive] pretty much my whole life. Maybe it was me. Who knows?

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BottenFieldofDreams
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Re: Parent drama

Post by BottenFieldofDreams »

Man that sucks. Lord, don’t let me get old.

My dad has stopped asking when I’m going to take my kids back to church. I know he (and my mom) still worries about it and it breaks my heart. It’s not his fault, he didn’t make the stakes so god damned (carefully used swear here) high. At least we’re still close despite that tension.

Religious and political systems pulling families apart (in both cases here as staunch defenders of the family) really is a cruel reality. Exacerbated and accelerated so much these days as the internet tears apart fundamental religions with voices and history and drives us scared into silos politically.

I’m happy your kid is in good hands.

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heyzeus
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Re: Parent drama

Post by heyzeus »

G. Keenan wrote:
January 26 23, 2:01 pm
The tendency of men as they age to shrink into themselves and become resentful and moody and mean as their lives recede into the rearview mirror is something I really hope to avoid.
A few years ago while talking to my wife and some friends we realized: None of us had "normal" dads. All of our dads were from the baby boomer generation, or shortly after it, and in their own way each one curdled into something narcissistic, racist, paranoid, and in general, very very angry. Like in my dad's case, whenever we went to a restaurant, he'd find some petty slight or indignity to get mad about (the waiter took too long with iced tea. A family that came after us got seated before us. I wanted a table but they didn't have any and gave us a booth) and assume it was an intentional, personal insult, then ruin the meal for everyone by pouting and complaining. Our conversations were just extensions of this, whatever the topic. Among the people I know, almost all of our dads took an angry turn, assumed the world was out to get them, and lashed out at others because of it.

My dad was Limbaugh pilled before Fox News ever existed, but that came to dominate his worldview as well. The unsubtle undercurrent of that programming is: The world used to be better. "They" are out to get you. The world is so dangerous because of "them." Why can't things be like they used to be, when you were in charge, when the world was better? It's insidious the way the messaging and scapegoating dovetails right in with the great fears of aging: That the world is passing you bye, that everything has changed, and the Big Fear that's coming for all of us eventually is around the corner. They take that natural fear, create a manufactured one, and teach the viewer: Be mad. You deserve everything you want, and "they" are taking it from you.

Anyway, Mrs. Zeus and I have a pact: If I ever seem to be veering this direction, I get called on it, and have to go into time out to reflect and be conscious in how I proceed.

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