Corporate Speak

[stlouie_lipp]

"let's huddle up after lunch"

If I ever heard that I'd puke on the spot.

[st.lewis11]

Can anyone tell me what a "thought-leadership program" is? I read it today in an internal memo, and need a translation.

Translation -

This brainwashing image sums up the Lean Six Sigma and Black Belt programs perfectly.
And every time a "huddle' is called for at work, I do whatever I can to avoid.

[jim]

"let's huddle up after lunch"

If I ever heard that I'd puke on the spot.

You are not a team player, are you?

(I'm guessing you hate sports metaphors as much as I do).

[jim]

I actually used some of this in a recent document I generated:

http://startupista.com/corporate-[expletive]-generator/

lol it got censored

What the [expletive]?

[TimeForGuinness]

Do corporate fire drills count? Because I just had one.

[JCShutout]

Can anyone tell me what a "thought-leadership program" is? I read it today in an internal memo, and need a translation.

Translation -

This brainwashing image sums up the Lean Six Sigma and Black Belt programs perfectly.
And every time a "huddle' is called for at work, I do whatever I can to avoid.

At my old job, where 11 people worked in the st. louis office (half of them IT guys who did not attend these huddles), and 20 or so people worked in the field we had the following huddles every morning:

8:02am boss calls me to [expletive] about how I didn't get enough work done yesterday and how I need to work harder, smarter, with synergy, empowerment, determination, joy and grace (fundamentalist christian)
8:30am pre-morning huddle huddle between me and the marketing and sales rep so I could have work dumped on me
9:08 morning huddle for the office people minus all but one IT person and the sales people in the field. Everyone in the room mentions one or two things to work on that day, I mention about 9 big things, and I'm told I forgot one or two.
9:15-9:20am post-morning huddle huddle with my immediate boss (douchebag) so she could rearrange the priorities we established in the previous two huddles (and then later in the day tell me I had my priorities wrong) and dump work on me.
9:28 field agent huddle with people who were thankfully not me
10:00am informal huddle in which the sales people would each call me individually and [expletive] about how much of a douchebag my boss was because of something rediculous they and/or I had to do, and/or how incompetent my co-worker who was the sales support was, which meant that I ended up doing the actual sales support work because I could actually do it well-meaning I had an IQ larger than that of a glass of water). I would agree on all douchebag-type comments.
12:30-1pm informal huddle where my boss would freak out over the amount of work she had to do and dump more work on me so she could leave at 3pm, and give me a guilt trip because I took a lunch.
2:55pm My boss huddles with me right before she leaves to dump everything else on me as she walks out the door after a tough 5 hour work day 9-3 with a full hour lunch).

Then add in other useless meetings occasionally. God, I get more done when dicking around on GRB at my current job (with no one in the office) then I ever did at that other place.

[jim]

The term I have become familiar with in software development is "scrum". Agile development is an interesting approach in software engineering, and it prescribes these daily scrums of software team members to communicate status. Nobody is allowed to sit down, they should take 5-10 minutes, and that's it. The whole point is to avoid these long status meetings where absolutely nothing gets done.

While I hate the sports metaphor, I do like the idea. It also prescibes that team members sit, when possible, within shouting distance of each other. It uses this bizarre concept of human interaction to accomplish a task.

It's just crazy enough to maybe work.

[stlouie_lipp]

"let's huddle up after lunch"

If I ever heard that I'd puke on the spot.

You are not a team player, are you?

(I'm guessing you hate sports metaphors as much as I do).

Yep, and co-workers are not teammates...just there to get a paycheck.

(actually, that's a lot like many modern athletes)

[Radbird]

I actually used some of this in a recent document I generated:

http://startupista.com/corporate-[expletive]-generator/

lol it got censored

What the [expletive]?

The expletive is BS spelled out.

[Freed Roger]

"let's huddle up after lunch"

If I ever heard that I'd puke on the spot.

You are not a team player, are you?

(I'm guessing you hate sports metaphors as much as I do).

If your co-worker is hot - you'll gladly call him/her teammate. just an observation.