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 Post subject: Re: Rave: The Onion
PostPosted: October 23 09, 8:15 am 
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http://www.theonion.com/content/news/na ... washington

hil-arious

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 Post subject: Re: Rave: The Onion
PostPosted: October 26 09, 5:41 am 
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From the store:
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 Post subject: Re: Rave: The Onion
PostPosted: October 29 09, 2:33 pm 
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has a girlfriend you guys
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Location: Walking down Main St getting to know the concrete
Quote:
Man Dies After Secret 4-Year Battle With Gorilla



ROANOKE, VA—Local claims adjuster David Seaborne, a devoted husband and father of three, died Tuesday at the age of 37 following a long and painful personal battle with a 512-pound eastern lowland gorilla.
Enlarge Image Man Dies

Bereaved family members say Seaborne was much too young to be taken by a gorilla (inset).

According to his wife, Christine—one of the few people who was aware of his courageous struggle—Seaborne chose to fight the muscular, quarter-ton primate in private night after night in hopes of maintaining as normal a life as was possible for his family.

"In some ways, I'm relieved that it's finally over and David can be at peace," said a tearful Mrs. Seaborne, clutching at a recent photograph of her husband, most of his hair missing after being ripped from his scalp by the rampaging jungle beast. "To watch him seclude himself in that basement every night and know that he was about to be in an unimaginable amount of pain—it just became too much to bear."

"He fought that terrible gorilla with every last ounce of strength he had, but in the end, David's body just couldn't handle it anymore," Mrs. Seaborne added. "Every morning, he'd look at me with tired eyes and deep scratches across his face, and he'd say, 'Honey, I'm going to beat this thing.' God, he was brave."

Mrs. Seaborne said she's used most of her husband's life insurance payout to start the David Seaborne Foundation, an organization dedicated to raising awareness of those battling gorillas or other great apes. According to the foundation's website, the growing problem affects one in every 29 million Americans, and one in every 80 Congolese.

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 Post subject: Re: Rave: The Onion
PostPosted: November 3 09, 12:01 pm 
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Mark McGwire To Teach Cardinal Hitters At What Point In Swing To Evade Congressional Questioning

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 Post subject: Re: Rave: The Onion
PostPosted: December 6 09, 10:21 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: Rave: The Onion
PostPosted: December 6 09, 10:31 pm 
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Christ Turns Down 3-Year, Multimillion Dollar Deal To Coach Notre Dame

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 Post subject: Re: Rave: The Onion
PostPosted: December 7 09, 7:14 am 
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InvincibleCakeEater wrote:


Quote:
Jesus Christ, the Son of God, Savior of All Mankind, and current defensive coordinator at Middle Tennessee State, said Monday that He would not accept Notre Dame's 3-year, $5.6 million offer to coach the Fighting Irish.


Awesome.


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 Post subject: Re: Rave: The Onion
PostPosted: December 11 09, 9:11 pm 
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Royals GM Didn't Know He Was Allowed To Make Moves During Offseason


http://www.theonion.com/content/news_br ... now_he_was


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 Post subject: Re: Rave: The Onion
PostPosted: December 31 09, 12:46 am 
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Relevant:
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/controversial

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 Post subject: Re: Rave: The Onion
PostPosted: January 16 10, 9:03 pm 
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Location: Third boxcar, midnight train
Gay Teen Worried He Might Be Christian

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Lucas Faber has tried focusing on Godspell to keep the thought of tithing out of his mind.

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LOUISVILLE, KY—At first glance, high school senior Lucas Faber, 18, seems like any ordinary gay teen. He's a member of his school's swing choir, enjoys shopping at the mall, and has sex with other males his age. But lately, a growing worry has begun to plague this young gay man. A gnawing feeling that, deep down, he may be a fundamentalist, right-wing Christian.

"I don't know what's happening to me," Faber admitted to reporters Monday. "It's like I get these weird urges sometimes, and suddenly I'm tempted to go behind my friends' backs and attend a megachurch service, or censor books in the school library in some way. Even just the thought of organizing a CD-burning turns me on."

Added Faber, "I feel so confused."

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