Raising babies "by the book"

[KyCardinalFan]

My younger sister has a 5mo; she lives across the country and will call on occasion to talk about how things are going and ask what I did with my kids. Almost every suggestion I offer goes unheeded (I know because she sometimes calls back with practically the same question) or she tells me of the conflicting opinion from the books she and her husband read.

Now, granted, it's been almost seven years since I had a newborn, but I did it three times. That counts for something, right? The only book I read was "What to Expect When You're Expecting" while I was pregnant because I wanted to know what to expect! Once the baby came I listened to friends and my mom. I didn't always follow their advice, but I listened to their stories to at least know no two babies are alike and trust myself.

I expected a lot of phone calls from my sister; my mom passed away two years ago and know that I would've had a harder time without her advice. As a mother of five and a nurse, my mom was like a baby whisperer - she never saw a baby she didn't want to hold or know how to care for. Plus, my sister is across the country in Seattle with no immediate family, so I know it can't be easy. Maybe I'm upset that she won't listen to me, but don't call me for advice then shoot me down!

It also makes me laugh when I offer suggestions and she'll say, "My pediatrician tells me this... Or recommends that..." It's funny because our dad is a pediatrician who, although retired, had a practice for 30+ years. He's seen it all.

My rant: Tonight, I was talking to her about transitioning to solids by getting some infant cereal. I'm explaining to her to start out very watery then thicken as the baby seems to grasp swallowing solids. She tells me she had thought about getting cereal a couple of weeks ago but she and her husband had read in some books that they shouldn't get iron-fortified cereal; other books said they should, so she decided to wait. Then she tells me she read about a study done that said babies shouldn't have the extra iron because... she couldn't remember, she said she'd read too many books and it was running together. I said, "Just one study?" trying to point out that just because a study was done doesn't make it valid. She went into something about her pediatrician said, so I lost my own focus.

I just want to tell her, if all those books are telling you different things, maybe you should put them down and listen to your baby! But I don't because it's her first and all parents go through this with their first. I just want to smack her sometimes. (Maybe I can give Mary her address and send her over there- *knock, knock, knock* Yes? *SMACK* From your sister)

[jim]

You should have her watch that documentary "Babies".

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Babies_(film)

The rural babies that were sat out in the dust to play as soon as they could sit up and would get knocked over by the slightest touch of a nearby goat developed just as quickly mentally as the kids from the states and Japan that were in swim lessons, play groups etc.. AND, probably developed a better immune system.

Watching people raise babies makes you think we have just absolutely lost our collective minds.

[Freed Roger]

In spite of her seeming to ignore you, I would not doubt that she is taking in more from you than she will let on/admit. Maybe be a bit slower to offer advice, since she is in a hurry to one-up and refute. Let her blab about the books and get it out of her system.

Maybe she'll get pregnant again and then will have less time to overanalyze.

[wart57]

By the book always cracks me up. I have 4 girls as you all know - all four of them have been different in how they act and react to things. There is no book that could have worked for all 4 of them.

[heyzeus]

The books. Oh, the books. So many books.

We had a lot of sleep issues. We have a lot of books. All of them say something different. This is because in order to sell people copies of your book, you have to say something different than the other books. Some of the books reference a study some of the time. There is always a study to support your position (unless it's something stupid like not vaccinating your child; then there's a study that was totally invalidated).

With your sister, give her time. Let her run herself ragged trying to keep tabs on the conflicting advice in all of the books. Understand that she values your advice, but she's trying to balance out the signal noise of so many different types of advice and process it all, and hasn't realized yet that this is impossible. Sooner or later, she'll realize that intuition + limited, well-founded advice is the only way to stay sane.

[lukethedrifter]

Maybe not a great idea to judge across the internet but you seem like the ideal sort of older sister to seek advice from.

[Gashouse]

The "best practices" have changed over time as well. Best practices when she was a baby are very likely not the best practices now, and we all turned out OK. I was given formula exclusively and eating solid food at 3 weeks. Now it's nursing exclusively for 6 months and then ease in solids.

We just had a baby on Monday and that hospital experience was different than the last time 5 years ago. This time they took care of the bare essentials right away and then left us completely alone for over an hour. He didn't get all the way cleaned up (all the vernix or whatever that they're coated with was still on parts of him), measured and weighed until about 2 hours after he was born. With the other 2 kids, all that happened nearly instantly when the baby was taking their first few breaths. I liked our experience this week way better, but I don't think this new best practice has any significant impact on this kid versus the others.

[heyzeus]

Congrats, Gashouse!

[KyCardinalFan]

The books. Oh, the books. So many books.

We had a lot of sleep issues. We have a lot of books. All of them say something different. This is because in order to sell people copies of your book, you have to say something different than the other books. Some of the books reference a study some of the time. There is always a study to support your position (unless it's something stupid like not vaccinating your child; then there's a study that was totally invalidated).

With your sister, give her time. Let her run herself ragged trying to keep tabs on the conflicting advice in all of the books. Understand that she values your advice, but she's trying to balance out the signal noise of so many different types of advice and process it all, and hasn't realized yet that this is impossible. Sooner or later, she'll realize that intuition + limited, well-founded advice is the only way to stay sane.

Yeah, it sounds like she may be near that point given the fact that she said all the articles were running together.

Her husband has zero baby experience and is 9 years younger than she. I feel like his lack of infant knowledge is driving their reliance on research. She defers to him - a lot - despite having babysitting experience. I think she likes a decision-maker since she's not a very good one. When she was obsessing about the baby's sleep a couple of months ago, she called me a few times, my sister-in-law and a good family friend asking the same questions. That's how I know she isn't listening.

Like I said, first baby, we all go through it.

And congrats Gashouse!

[KyCardinalFan]

Maybe not a great idea to judge across the internet but you seem like the ideal sort of older sister to seek advice from.

Suck up.






Thanks, tho.