Arthur Dent wrote:Well, what's the right way to handle it? I guess you could deny it or try to get away as soon as possible, and perhaps that would work for some people, but I can imagine that could also feel like you have this big shame you have to hide. Just being open about it seems like as good an approach as any.
I'm not saying she should be ashamed or should deny it always. She obviously isn't opposed to talking to friends about it. Just in this specific situation I don't see any value in her discussing her previous career with a total stranger. "Hey, didn't you used to have sex on camera? I liked touching myself while watching you." There's no positive outcome for dreamer in that scenario and I think it's kind of rude for her to put him in that position.
I don't disagree and I'd be lying if I said what happened this weekend hasn't made me seriously question things. I laid in bed last night and thought to myself that this is the most ridiculous thing that's ever happened to me. It's not even me. I've never dated anyone like her before a couple years ago I would have probably scoffed at the idea.
Still she's a nice person. I enjoy hanging out with her, but when the day is over and we've gone our separate ways there is always this nagging feeling about it. Kind of like "what am I doing here?"
People change...everyone has a past, but it's who she is now and where she wants to go...and if you want to be a part of that...that's what's important.
Arthur Dent wrote:Well, what's the right way to handle it? I guess you could deny it or try to get away as soon as possible, and perhaps that would work for some people, but I can imagine that could also feel like you have this big shame you have to hide. Just being open about it seems like as good an approach as any.
I'm not saying she should be ashamed or should deny it always. She obviously isn't opposed to talking to friends about it. Just in this specific situation I don't see any value in her discussing her previous career with a total stranger. "Hey, didn't you used to have sex on camera? I liked touching myself while watching you." There's no positive outcome for dreamer in that scenario and I think it's kind of rude for her to put him in that position.
That's exactly the business of porn, isn't it? If you are in a relationship with someone who did porn, you will have to be ok with the fact that this happened and be able to accept it when there are reminders. I think it's more strange that random dudes want to talk to people they saw in porn than that a person in it would chose to respond openly. If you do porn, do you consider your fans to be creeps, or do you try to interact with them in a similar manner to any other type of performer?
Anyway, I don't know if I really have a point here other to say that I don't think there is a particular right way to handle things. It seems somewhat similar to the general issue of relating to a partner's past. Most people in relationships have to accept that their partner has had previous relationships and not be weirded out if there is still non-hostile contact with those people. Of course I realize that being in porn is not socially acceptable in the way that serial monogamy is and I don't think it's any personal indictment to not be able to accept this.
IMADreamer wrote:I laid in bed last night and thought to myself that this is the most ridiculous thing that's ever happened to me. It's not even me. I've never dated anyone like her before a couple years ago I would have probably scoffed at the idea.
Still she's a nice person. I enjoy hanging out with her, but when the day is over and we've gone our separate ways there is always this nagging feeling about it. Kind of like "what am I doing here?"
I think the question is whether this is something that bothers you personally, whether it is something you think should bother you, or whether it is something you think you will be judged socially for.
TimeForGuinness wrote:People change...everyone has a past, but it's who she is now and where she wants to go...and if you want to be a part of that...that's what's important.
That is all very true. I like who she is now and I think what she is working towards is a good thing. If you cut out about a 5-7 year period in this girls life you'd think she was a pretty awesome chick.
Arthur Dent wrote:Well, what's the right way to handle it? I guess you could deny it or try to get away as soon as possible, and perhaps that would work for some people, but I can imagine that could also feel like you have this big shame you have to hide. Just being open about it seems like as good an approach as any.
I'm not saying she should be ashamed or should deny it always. She obviously isn't opposed to talking to friends about it. Just in this specific situation I don't see any value in her discussing her previous career with a total stranger. "Hey, didn't you used to have sex on camera? I liked touching myself while watching you." There's no positive outcome for dreamer in that scenario and I think it's kind of rude for her to put him in that position.
That's exactly the business of porn, isn't it? If you are in a relationship with someone who did porn, you will have to be ok with the fact that this happened and be able to accept it when there are reminders. I think it's more strange that random dudes want to talk to people they saw in porn than that a person in it would chose to respond openly. If you do porn, do you consider your fans to be creeps, or do you try to interact with them in a similar manner to any other type of performer?
Anyway, I don't know if I really have a point here other to say that I don't think there is a particular right way to handle things. It seems somewhat similar to the general issue of relating to a partner's past. Most people in relationships have to accept that their partner has had previous relationships and not be weirded out if there is still non-hostile contact with those people. Of course I realize that being in porn is not socially acceptable in the way that serial monogamy is and I don't think it's any personal indictment to not be able to accept this.
IMADreamer wrote:I laid in bed last night and thought to myself that this is the most ridiculous thing that's ever happened to me. It's not even me. I've never dated anyone like her before a couple years ago I would have probably scoffed at the idea.
Still she's a nice person. I enjoy hanging out with her, but when the day is over and we've gone our separate ways there is always this nagging feeling about it. Kind of like "what am I doing here?"
I think the question is whether this is something that bothers you personally, whether it is something you think should bother you, or whether it is something you think you will be judged socially for.
Well here's a question for you and others while I have your ear on the topic. My family has no clue. Do you tell them to get it out there in the open? or do you just take the chance that if we stay together no one ever says "oh your son is dating the porn girl?" It is not something I've talked about with Michelle Obama any, in fact we have talked about the whole thing very little which is fine by me. I have this weird curiosity and things I kind of want to know, but at the same time there are plenty of things I really don't want to know.
Re the how your family finds out thing. You're worried they'll disapprove or judge, is what I'm sensing. So you want to know if you should tell them yourself or risk them finding out from someone else. But they're going to find out because people find out those things. So, really, you tell them now so that it's out of the way and they heard it from you and they don't feel like you've been hiding something from them. Then you can deal only with their reaction to the porno thing instead of that and their reaction to you not telling them about it. Don't take the chance, because it will come up, even if it's in 15 years and you have 3 kids or something.
I have a feeling if you scratch the itch of the little things you want to know, you're going to drive yourself crazy once you find them out.
Ha. I have the exact opposite feeling. I don't think you have any obligation to appraise your family of the personal history of the people you date, but I'd certainly want to talk with my partner about the history in porn and what it means for the relationship. If your family finds out through other means, you can acknowledge it and say that you consider it to be a private matter. But really, do whatever you think makes sense.
I guess I have a third suggestion. First, decide how you feel about the relationship yourself. It seems like you're still sorting out your feelings. If you're just headed to Friendland, then no need to discuss it with anyone. If it's something more serious, I think both 33 and Arthur have good suggestions. You're the best judge of your family, IMA. But if you feel strongly committed to her, try to maintain that commitment, no matter how the family might react.
I wish you had my parents--they barely registered interest in my relationship with my wife.
Arthur Dent wrote:
That's exactly the business of porn, isn't it? If you are in a relationship with someone who did porn, you will have to be ok with the fact that this happened and be able to accept it when there are reminders. I think it's more strange that random dudes want to talk to people they saw in porn than that a person in it would chose to respond openly. If you do porn, do you consider your fans to be creeps, or do you try to interact with them in a similar manner to any other type of performer?
Anyway, I don't know if I really have a point here other to say that I don't think there is a particular right way to handle things. It seems somewhat similar to the general issue of relating to a partner's past. Most people in relationships have to accept that their partner has had previous relationships and not be weirded out if there is still non-hostile contact with those people. Of course I realize that being in porn is not socially acceptable in the way that serial monogamy is and I don't think it's any personal indictment to not be able to accept this.
She isn't still doing porn, though. It would be different if she was active rather than trying to move beyond that. Overall, she can handle it in whatever way makes her comfortable but I'm looking at it from dreamer's perspective. She's the one dropping L bombs already. If she truly cares about him and his feelings she should take that into account rather than just what she is ok with.
sighyoung wrote:I guess I have a third suggestion. First, decide how you feel about the relationship yourself. It seems like you're still sorting out your feelings. If you're just headed to Friendland, then no need to discuss it with anyone. If it's something more serious, I think both 33 and Arthur have good suggestions. You're the best judge of your family, IMA. But if you feel strongly committed to her, try to maintain that commitment, no matter how the family might react.
I wish you had my parents--they barely registered interest in my relationship with my wife.
I'm definitely sorting things out. It's all a bit overwhelming to me. The last few years have been overwhelming to me. Lots of huge life changes and I'm struggling with it. At the same time she's pretty comforting. There are a lot of things I don't and really can't talk to her about but at the same time when I'm feeling whatever it is I feel I can call her up and she's always willing to hang out or catch a movie. That is really what I'm looking for more then a live in forever type situation. It's just nice to have someone around. Maybe it turns into something more but I'm having a hard time getting over Nic and seeing anyone else replacing her as the girl I want to marry.
I wish I had your parents too in the regard. lol My Dad would be fine with it. He's pretty easy going. My Mom is a nut job to put it nicely. We don't get along that well anyway so any little thing just drives us apart more. She'll freak out about Michelle Obama if she knew the truth. She never really warmed up to Nic. Nic who was a devote Catholic (like my Mom), a PhD, graduated top of our high school class, top of her college class, and was on her way to being an executive at a huge company. If my Mom never really liked her, there is no chance she likes Michelle Obama. I will also have aunts who freak out about it.
