Corporate Speak

[Joe Shlabotnik]

Ouch -too bad Rad. We got a new CEO today. Looking on LinkIn, he currently runs a 'Corporate Exit' consultancy. He helps companies pretty themselves or part of themselves for a sale. Uh oh...

[JL21]

"Workforce Skills Realignments"

Whoever invented this term is a horrible, horrible human being.

[jim]

"Workforce Skills Realignments"

Whoever invented this term is a horrible, horrible human being.

Most corporate America above the grunts are horrible, horrible human beings.

[jim]

How is this for a corporate email? I have no idea who this person is, no idea what the company does. Is there ANY substance to this at all:

Jim,
Happy Wednesday I wanted to reach out to introduce myself as your new point of contact.Would love to talk about your initiatives, and how we might be able to work together in the future. I do know that becoming a trusted partner does not happen over night, and I look forward to building a strong working relationship. I will be that way Thursday afternoon and next Wednesday please let me know if you are available for a few minutes?
Regards

Point of contact for what? My initiatives ... work together on what? Trusted partner ... strong working relationship.

All of our contact info is available on the web, I get random stuff like this daily. But usually it's a little more specific, "Can I help you with your cyber security initiatives" or whatever. This one is just blank.

[UK]

Here is a good one I got from my idiot MBA boss yesterday. The guy is a walking acronym/buzzword machine. I've never seen anyone close to him in terms of the [expletive] - even the dress code. This is the guy that has bad hair plugs and polishes his nails. Yesterday he was wearing the goofiest ass looking turtleneck I have ever seen in my life. He is a nothing, he did consulting for 20+ years which gives you a hint. Lots of fluff, no substance. Here is the email I got:

Bob does not see Tom reengineering our BPs using Lean or Six Sigma
> principles.  He reiterated that he wants Tom to focus on eliminating
paper.

I've heard of Six Sigma but really don't know what it is, and we sure as hell don't practice anything like that. So I replied (this was the last part of an email):

And your last sentence means absolutely nothing to me.

If you need any help with Six Sigma, I had to become a Green Belt. It's basically about becoming the most productive at the cheapest cost.

I despise Corporate America.


BP is batting practice to me. He uses acronyms like crazy and shortens words all of the time. In a meeting yesterday he kept shortening a word in conversation and it took me forever to realize what he was talking about. He's a nice guy and everything but as a boss he is just a tool. We are oil and water.

[JL21]

I have a meeting in 2 hours. It will take place in a room that is commonly known as "the Collaboratorium".

[haltz]

I have a meeting in 2 hours. It will take place in a room that is commonly known as "the Collaboratorium".

That's not ok

[JL21]

When they first told me that the Collaboratorium existed, I said, "What goes on in there?"

[JackofDiamonds]

When they first told me that the Collaboratorium existed, I said, "What goes on in there?"

Collating.

[redbirdjazzz]

When they first told me that the Collaboratorium existed, I said, "What goes on in there?"

Clearly, it's a portmanteau of "Collaboration" and "Moratorium." Hence, where collaboration is suspended.