Going through a situation like this in my family, and if you are conditioned to “forgive” (usually means compromise your boundaries in the interest of avoiding conflict), holding your ground comes with some guilt, even though you’ve done nothing wrong. Also, the offender typically doesn’t feel they have anything to atone for. It can be even more complicated by the ways in which you’re aware that some trauma/abuse affected them & caused them to behave the way they did.
Only you know how much he means to you or how much damage he needs to be held accountable for, so I’ll just offer this: grown people don’t change unless something traumatic (death scare, an event that gave them self awareness, etc). Even then, most people just become more damaged/less likely to take accountability.
If you do want to give him a chance, consider what sigh said above. As an adult, it is not that difficult to find ways to show accountability to the people you’ve wronged. If they want to reconcile bad enough, they have the ability to do the work to earn your trust again. What you’re asking for is not a high bar for him to clear.
Explain your feelings and what he did to make you feel that way, tell him you’re not going to let him back in your circle unless he takes ownership of those things, and put the responsibility on him to come up with ways he can prove he’s changed before you forgive. Then leave and see if he rises to the occasion. If and when he doesn’t, continue to shun him.
But that’s only if you do want to leave the door to reconciliation open. Not wanting to give him a chance is not wrong, mean, or foolish. It’s reasonable and probably safer.
