Crap (a two-post-spanning Mega Rant)

[Bo Hart]

These last couple of days have just sucked ass; I've got a lot to cover, so let me dive right in:

It started out with my parents asking me to watch the family dog. I hate a lot things in life, including: 1. my dog and 2. the watching dogs. Let me branch off and form two mini-rants on these subjects:

Hatred Towards my Dog
I really don't like my dog at all. She's this lazy, emo golden retriever. Since the day we got her, you could tell something was wrong with her. I'm pretty sure she has depression or something. That, or she's just an emo. Either way, this dog does not respond at all to being petted. What the hell is wrong with her!? I don't think I've ever met a dog that didn't like to be petted (with the exception of dogs belonging to strangers that think you're an enemy, of course). So I'll constantly try and be a nice guy, sit next to her and pet her. Almost invariably, she'll let out a big huff (that sounds a lot like a sigh), and then move away from me to another part of the room. Either I'm unlikable (very probable), or she's just a seclusion-loving introvert. Either way, I hate her for it.

Screw emo pets!


Watching Dogs
Watching dogs isn't inherently bad. In fact, I like dogs. However, it seems anyone in my immediate / extended family is really inconsiderate when it comes to asking me to watch them. Getting paid would be nice, but this is family, and so I will let it slide. However, the least you can do is reimburse me for my travels. My aunt and uncle asked me to watch their dog over the course of a week, and I had to drive back and forth, back and forth, back and forth across town. The amount of money I spent on gas was mind-blowing. So again, my parents want me to help out with watching this dog for like 10 days, and I'm going to be trekking back and forth across town letting this dog out. In itself, that pisses me off. Knowing this dog hates me makes it even more unbearable. Does this sound cynical? Can I complain about not getting money for gas? Even if I don't have a right to I'm still going to rant about it.

Screw donating your gas to charity!

Gas...gas... let's use that as a point for my next topic:


My Dad's Truck
My car was in the shop again, and so I had to use my Dad's truck the last few days. It's in good shape for an old truck; however, what I really hate about driving it is how much gas it eats up. I spent like $25 in two days on gas. Plus, the gas gauge is screwed up and it fluctuates heavily, so I have no idea how much fuel I have left. I finally stopped driving this hog today, and I'm very grateful for that.

Screw that truck!


Ace Hardware
The first day my parents left for their trip, I decided to head home to let the dog out. It dawned on me that my key for the house was along with my car at the shop, and so I'd have to use one of the blanks I made months earlier. I opened my desk drawer and saw two keys. I remember making two copies of keys for my parents' house, and so I figured they were the same. I grabbed one and headed to their house.

I went to unlock the door, and... the key didn't work. I was really angry, but figured it served me right for not just grabbing both keys in the first place. I drive all the way back home, grab the other key (which was different), and head back to their place.

I went to unlock the door, and... it didn't work. At this point, my blood was boiling. This was already my second trip over there! So I had to drive all the way over to the auto shop and get the spare house key off of that keychain. When I got home and finally got in, I compared the key that had worked to the two blanks that did not. The "teeth" on the non-working key matched up perfectly with one of the teeth on the working key. I then realized that when I got the key cut at Ace Hardware, the dumbass employee used the wrong key blank, and so it didn't work.

Wow, serves me right for going to a competitor.

Screw Ace Hardware!

[Bo Hart]

The Taco John's Fiasco
Last night on the way home from work, I thought to myself, "hey, it's Taco Tuesday, I should stop by the friendly confines of Taco John's and get some discounted tacos!"

I ordered my five softshells, and was given a total of $6.25. At this point I was really mad. They either raised the discounted price, or I didn't get the discount at all. I kept my mouth shut, paid, and ate my (admittedly delicious) tacos.

Today, I realized that yesterday was Monday, thus clearly explaining why I did not get the discount. I think their advertising somehow managed to subliminally distort my view on reality, to the point that I couldn't even remember what day it was.

Screw Taco John's!


Ambiguous Voice Mails
While I was locked out of the house with my phone inside, my bank called. This is the message they left (verbatim):

"Hi Kyle this is Laura from [my bank] calling, we've just received (sigh). If you wanna give us a call back, we're open at 8:00 AM. Please give us a call back as soon as you can."

What!? Just received what!? She literally sighed when she got to the point of revealing what the call was all about. Did I receive a billion dollar inheritance that I have to sign off on? Is the sigh because you're envious? Or did some bastard credit theif mess with my account? Either way, spit it out, lady! You're killing me!

Now I'm going to have this stupid ambigious message dangling over my head all night. Obviously they called and requested that I call back right away because something bad happened.

Screw bad things happening to your bank account!


My Really Unlucky Situation
My sister also randomly stops by to help let the dog out. Anyway, I was at my parents' house at around 4:30 PM today... I had to go and pick up my car from the shop. I had to by there by 5:00 so I was in a hurry, and so I left some stuff behind (like my cellphone, my laptop, etc); I also left the door unlocked, and the dog outside. The plan was to be back shortly. The gameplan is simple: pay for the car, bring the truck to parents', ride bike from parents' to my own home, walk to shop and pick up already-paid-for-vehicle (a short, six block walk or so).

I'm finished, and everything goes smoothly. I arrive at my parents' house in my newly-fixed car, and I go through this sequence:
- as usual, I shut off the car and manually lock the door
- I then get halfway out of the car, pause and say, "hey, I should run to the grocery store -- I'll go inside and get my wallet, but I'll let my car keep running so that it stays warm."
- I then throw the keys back in the ignition, fire her up, get out and slam the door.

At this point, I look in my window and realize that my MP3 player is sitting on my front seat. It occurs to me that my MP3 player is currently doubling as a flash drive, and that I'm going to need it.

I open my door and get in the ca -- oh, wait a second, I didn't unlock the door before I re-started it! It then dawns on me that my key for the house is on the same keychain! I scream out an obscenity -- I'm locked out of my ****ing car and my ****ing parents' house. Then, I calm myself. "Dude, you left the house unlocked! Plus, you have a spare key for the car in there!"

I'm stoked. I run up to the house, elated that I have finally caught a break. I'm about the enter the door when... it won't open! THE DOOR IS LOCKED! I try and figure out how the hell this could have happened. Did my dog let itself in the house and then lock the door so I could not come back in, stemming from the venomous hatred it has towards me? Possible, but not likely. Then, it becomes obvious what has happened: my sister had come home in the period I was gone and had locked the door when she left. This was like a 90 minute span. It would be one thing for her to have come home during that span, but for her to have come home an left before I got back is really unlucky, considering she stayed long enough to cook and meal and throw some stuff in the laundry.

I contemplate breaking a window or something, because at this point I am absolutely boiling with rage. I mean, given the aforementioned circumstances it sucked... but this rage of mine was amplified by the fact that I had just gone through this "locked out" ridiculous routine with those two non-working keys the other day. I check all the windows and doors to make sure they aren't unlocked, but, naturally, they are. I then walk about six blocks to this local grocery store that I used to work at. I think, "hey, I'll just call my sister and have her come back!" I call her and, fittingly, no answer. At this point, I make the walk (~ 2.5 miles) home. It wouldn't have been that bad, but it was cold as hell and my hat and my gloves were locked inside my -- at this point -- warm, toasty car.

Finally, I get to my house, call my sister and get a ride to my parents' home, where we use her lock to get my inside. The nightmare finally comes to an end, where I proceed to make my longest rant of all-time on GWB.

Screw bad luck!

[GatewaySnayke]

I've never heard of a person refer to their dog as an emo. This is hilarious.

[lukethedrifter]

As to your dog, I think it was omaha that can recommend you trying giving him a prostate massage. If he doesn't come around after that, screw him.

[planet planet]

Why don't you just stay at their house?

[M1IRONMIKE]

Dude.......I think its time to get drunk!!!

[Cronos]

Wow. That is a seriously bad day.

I echo M1's suggestion.

[EastonBlues22]

You will listen now. My Master Yoshi's first rule was "Possess the right thinking." Only then can one receive the gifts of strength, knowledge, and peace. I have tried to channel your anger, Kyle, but more remains. Anger clouds the mind. Turned inward it is an unconquerable enemy.

I am proud of you, my son. Tonight you have learned the final and greatest truth of the Ninja: I am merely a rat bastard. You, on the other hand, are an epic failure.






























Too soon?

[Simbagal23]

As to your dog, I think it was omaha that can recommend you trying giving him a prostate massage. If he doesn't come around after that, screw him.

It's her anal glands...they are no doubt clogged. Kyle, put on the goggles and gloves and get to work, man! She'll love you for it....at least one part of your rant is now solved.

[StatmanCrothers]