Willing yourself to not contact an ex

[omaha_red]

Very very very unlikely. Life works best if you assume that you are the only one who can change. Expecting other people to change is the root of most frustration, stress and unhappiness.

I didn't say he changed FOR SURE. I said it is POSSIBLE that he changed, losing her may have made him realize he needed to change, or other life events since their breakup may have been a wake up call. And while I agree it is very hard for people to change, and unlikely that anyone ever totally changes, it is possible that whatever problems he had have been addressed, at least in part. Caring about someone and loving someone are not an exact science. Obviously you should never expect anyone else to change, you cannot control other people and the roads they pick.

He hasn't and I don't think he ever will.

well.. there's the answer to this entire thread.

[Faceman]

wow, hilarious reading this after the fact.

Just highlights the common stereotypes of men vs. women.

"My head says not to call, but my heart says to call".

[Socnorb11]

Why the mystery about what the "issues" are? Why would he drag you down?

[docellis]

So I think I did the right thing.

We talked most of the week and I admit, I was sucked in. Then we started to talk seriously about him visiting. Plane/train fares, schedules, etc.

And then, I (slowly) realized that most of my feelings were caused by
a)refusing to remember/acknowledge them for the last 3 years
b)refusing contact of any kind
c)only remembering the good once I decided to deal with it

So now I am better. Before talking to him, just the thought of him made me decide to drink, think of something else, refuse to deal with the ending.

I never broke up with him. I left him with the assumption we would stay in contact until I had a job and maybe something lined up for him here. Instead, I never answered the phone when he called and I dated others immediately.

It took me 3 years to talk to him and realize (I hope) that I was only remembering the good times. There were plenty of bad times that I should remember more.

[Maclowery]

Jeez, 3 weeks in, not 3 years in, and it's hard enough here. Maybe you're like me; I can so easily think of only the blissful times, and completely discard the tough times. On one hand, it gives people like us a hope that something that was so great could maybe be even better down the road. On the other hand, maybe we're just so optimistic (or naive) that we ignore the very strong chance that those crappy times will continue no matter what.

If you've been speaking, do you think he's as conflicted as you about it?

[docellis]

do you think he's as conflicted as you about it?

Nope.
Confliction allows you to understand and feel the other person. He will never "get" the other person. He was the cause of our problems (other than 04 WS, I was a major [expletive]) and he will never really deal with that.
But, he loves me and he always will. But he will also "take" as much as I give him. And "give" only what is easy, never to the extent that most that are concerned about losing someone will. His "giving" was very sweet, sweeter than any guy I've ever met. But it was rare and only when he felt like it. It wasn't as fair as it is supposed to be.

[planet planet]

do you think he's as conflicted as you about it?

Nope.
Confliction allows you to understand and feel the other person. He will never "get" the other person. He was the cause of our problems (other than 04 WS, I was a major [expletive]) and he will never really deal with that.
But, he loves me and he always will. But he will also "take" as much as I give him. And "give" only what is easy, never to the extent that most that are concerned about losing someone will. His "giving" was very sweet, sweeter than any guy I've ever met. But it was rare and only when he felt like it. It wasn't as fair as it is supposed to be.

Moving away from my live-in Denver lover was the most courageous thing I ever did. He was eight years older than me and when I left I was 26ish. There was nothing wrong with our relationship per se, but when we went to his brother's wedding in CT, he was the best man and thought his brother was selling out. After that, I decided on a Wed. to move out and was out of town by Sun. This was in Aug. and we talked by phone practically every night through May and then I was over it. That Wed. through Sat. was tough. I woke up a few times to him crying in the middle of the night, but nothing was going to change. Best decision I ever made.

[docellis]

wow, hilarious reading this after the fact.

Just highlights the common stereotypes of men vs. women.

"My head says not to call, but my heart says to call".

For whatever it is worth, I think men call more then women when it comes down to being heartbroken.

at least in my experience

[docellis]

Moving away from my live-in Denver lover was the most courageous thing I ever did. He was eight years older than me and when I left I was 26ish. There was nothing wrong with our relationship per se, but when we went to his brother's wedding in CT, he was the best man and thought his brother was selling out. After that, I decided on a Wed. to move out and was out of town by Sun. This was in Aug. and we talked by phone practically every night through May and then I was over it. That Wed. through Sat. was tough. I woke up a few times to him crying in the middle of the night, but nothing was going to change. Best decision I ever made.

Leaving someone is really hard. Leaving someone when it means leaving the state or the part of the country---super hard. Planet, you met someone great for you and you probably never spent too much time wondering if you made the right decision. So clearly, you did (make the right decision).

I still haven't met anyone who made me as happy as he did.

I know I could find people who made me is as upset as he did though.

Anyway, you rocked out. You have an awesome life with a great guy.