Ask [formerly (formerly)] jim

[cards2468]

Dear jim,

It burns when I pee. Do you think this has something to do with switching to a new conditioner?

signed,
Hans Wienerbürnen

[jim]

dearest (formerly) jimme,

as ye well knowest, by royal decree within our own dukedom of Illinois (as be the case or not in each within the kingdom) smoking of tobacco be forbidden within 10 cubits of the alehouse entrance, much less within its very confines.

mayhap a fortnight past, being pass'd time to dine yet too early to sup, a fine mid-day I endeavor'd to spend quaffing the rum named well for that good merchant sea-man Morgan whilst I took quill in hand and endeavor'd to seek that communion with whatever fair Muse might choose to favor me (be I so blessed).

Consider upon my surprise, when fair buxom serving wench wrangled three knurlish patrons (all well into their cups and doubtless hoping to gaze more clearly into hers) to share her sin of smoke, in the very vestibule of the inn--a distance from my own body no further than could be step'd quickly by a dwarf jester in no less than two skips and mayhaps a final hop. Sulfurous fumes most vile did drive me to settle my bill of fare and seek my Muse elsewhere, in a manner most ill-timed and without regard for that modicum of etiquette I doth strive to keep as clothe for the demonic rage that e'er bubbles 'neath my troubled brow.

Know ye the constabulary, though nearby this inn, patrols not the vestibule for such smoky impertinence as that to which I bore witness, unless so directed by complaint of the citizenry, and such behavior by the otherwise comely wench seem'd to be no holiday's ill-conceived 'venture but rather more commonplace (tho mayhaps expect'd by the commonry who shared in her sin).

If but a perchance travellor come to her inn, I could mayhap choose in future travel to avoid travail by mapping a route which endeavored to skirt her ruffled skirts for some other hostelry, thus avoiding hostility. But, alas, said alehouse be no more distance from my own humble abode than a bard might safely stumble, fearing not for rogues and verily not risking loss of way. Sore put would I be to find a new home for my sagging buttock whilst I and the good Captain seek solace and inspiration, as blanke scrolls be filled with rapacious dreame.

What say ye of my course? Shall I subject myself to impure aires, or rather upset that familiare apple carte of mine peers by imposing mine own impish will? Or thirdly, castigate in solitude that invisible demon which ever strives to freeze the quill?

What say ye?

Most sincere, I implore,

Mark, Earl of Stat-shire

A little tobacco smoke never hurt anyone .. keep going I say.

[jim]

Dear Jim;

Should I have kids or not? I want to, but I also don't want to give up, you know, everything that's awesome about life.

Kids suck and aren't any good to you until they aren't kids anymore, so i say no.

[jim]

jim/rat - What is your problem with Barney Fife?

I love Barney Fife. I would go to jail for Barney Fife. I did go to jail for Barney Fife.

[jim]

jim,
Mrs. jim wants to know when your going to take her ice skating again? oh yeah and bring her home a gallon of milk you meathead.

Freed.

Tell her we gave her ice skates away, but we are going skiing next week. That should be interesting.

[jim]

Dear Formerly-Jim,

A couple of women moved in across the street from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her
mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've
never seen a man go into or come out of their house.

Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Signed,
Curious

One can only hope. I love the Lebanese.

[jim]

dear jim,

I have been invited to go on a trip in a time machine. Where should I go?

signed,
puzzled in the present

1979. Springfield, Il. Northend.

[jim]

Dear jim,

It burns when I pee. Do you think this has something to do with switching to a new conditioner?

signed,
Hans Wienerbürnen

That's a bad deal there.

[TGantz]

Dear jim,

Should I finish getting my Associates Degree for Teaching or should I transfer now to a four year college (UMSL)?

A sub-question would be do I major in Secondary education or do I major in English and minor in Secondary education?

(Obviously the goal is to be a high school teacher)

[Joe Shlabotnik]

Dear (formerly) jim,

Today at work I was in a meeting with the other programmers in my department and had to make a presentation. I get sweaty hands when I have to get up in front of people and while we were all waiting for the projector to warm up with my powerpoints, I attempted to take a drink of my Mountain Dew and really fumbled it. I ended up catching the whole thing with my scrotum. Everybody laughed at me and I was so embarrassed I ran from the room, out the door and didn't stop until I was back in my mom's basement. I've been here playing WoW ever since.

Do you think if I e-mailed them the Scrote Holliday video and told them all to shove it they'd see how cool it is to catch stuff with your crotch and let me be the Build Boss?

You are awesome,
Joe