rant: fine dining

[G. Keenan]

I went there years ago. A great once in a lifetime experience that I'll never do again because of cost.

All that being said, I've never heard of that publication.

Lol, they called it a "painstakingly curated experience."

Is that supposed to sound like an appealing quality?

[Michael]

I went there years ago. A great once in a lifetime experience that I'll never do again because of cost.

All that being said, I've never heard of that publication.

Lol, they called it a "painstakingly curated experience."

Is that supposed to sound like an appealing quality?

Given how fancy pants the restaurant is it's not too stuffy. Some French restaurants I've been to have been more white glove.

Regardless the service was on point. I remember when my wife went to the restroom they folded her napkin. Not a big deal and that's pretty standard for a nice restaurant. But while they were folding the napkin the person noticed a light and small stain on her chair. The person folding the napkin motioned to another person and they smoothly picked up her chair and came back with another one before she even returned to her seat. It was pretty funny.

[Arthur Dent]

That all sounds totally stressful.

[Jocephus]

Fancy Bathroom Attendant

Angie.....Melanie Hutsell
Tony.....Harvey Kietel
Waiters.....Phil Hartman, Mike Myers, Rob Schneider
Bathroom Attendant.....Kevin Nealon
Mr. O'Neill.....Chris Farley


[ open on Waiters attending to every visible need of their diners ]

Angie: Is this First-Class all the way, or what, tell me?

Tony: [ uncomfortable ] Yes. [ pause ] Who are these guys, Angie. They're like wolves, just hovering around us.. i makes me uncomfortable.

Angie: Tony, it's called "Service". This is the way it's done at classy restaurants. Besides.. it's your birthday, you deserve it! Cheers!

[ they toast their champagne glasses and take tiny sips. After they do, the Waiters quickly move forward to refill those few drops of champagne, to Tony's chagrin ]

Tony: I'll be right back.. I need to hit the head.

[ Tony stands, as the Waiters quickly jump over to pull his chair out gracefully and fix the table in his absence ]

[ Tony enters the bathroom, where he discovers the Bathroom Attendant standing ]

Tony: Oh.. sorry..

Bathroom Attendant: No, please come in, sir. I work here.

Tony: What are you, the janitor?

Bathroom Attendant: I'm the Bathroom Attendant, sir. May I offer you anything - cologne, aftershave, breath freshener?

Tony: No. No. Actually, I just had to, uh.. use the head.

Bathroom Attendant: Well, you came to the right place, sir. [ holds toilet seat ] Up or down?

Tony: [ hesitant ] Uh.. down,

Bathroom Attendant: Ah, you want to drop anchor! Fair enough, sir. My first today. [ pulls out a seat cover and places it around the rim of the toilet bowl ] So, it still snowing outside?

Tony: [ uncomfortable ] No.

Bathroom Attendant: Okay, sir, she's ready. [ stands in position ]

Tony: Okay, thank you. That's fine, thank you.

Bathroom Attendant: [ not moving ] You're welcome, sir.

Tony: Okay, thank you.. that's good.

Bathroom Attendant: You're quite welcome. My pleasure.

Tony: You staying in here?

Bathroom Attendant: Yes, sir. If you need anything, give a hollar.

[ Attendant helps Tony remove his jacket, then stands waiting as Tony pulls down his pants and uncomfortably sits on the toilet. Attendant whistles to pass the time, then prepares some strips of toilet paper. ]

Air freshener? I have Lilac, Rose, Peaches 'n Cream, New Car?

[ Tony shakes head no ]

Newspapers? I have the Wall Street Journal, I have the New York Times, The Daily News..

[ Tony grabs one of the papers, and uses it to cast a shield between himself and the Bathroom Attendant ]

[ Attendant sparays little squirts of air freshener around the room ]

Bathroom Attendant: Sir, perhaps this will help? [ turns the faucet on ]

Tony: [ aggravated ] Okay, that's it, I'm done!

Bathroom Attendant: Oh? Good for you, sir! [ hands him a strip of toilet paper ]

Tony: No! Not necessary.

Bathroom Attendant: Oh, alright. [ bends down to help Tony pull up his pants ] Let me get those for you, sir..

Tony: [ annoyed ] Please! Please! I can handle it!

Bathroom Attendant: Okay, fair enough. [ flushes the toilet ] Cologne? We have Brut, Old Spice..?

[ Tony washes his hands, as the Attendant prepares his towel and helps dry his hands, then places Tony's jacket back on him ]

Alright, you enjoy your meal now.. and you come back and see us anytime.. [ holds a tip tray in his hand as he brushes lint off of Tony's jacket; Tony reluctantly gives him a dollar tip ] Oh, thank you very much, sir!

[ Tony exits, as Mr. O'Neill enters ]

Good evening, Mr. O'Neill!

Mr. O'Neill: Hi, Rudy! Where's Anthony?

Bathroom Attendant: Oh, Anthony called in sick. It'll jsut be me tonight, sir.

Mr. O'Neill: Very good.

[ cut back to Tony and Angie's table - the Waiters singing "Happy Birthay" to Tony ]

Angie: Make a wish!

[ Tony attempts to blow out his candles, but the Waiters lean forward and do it for him, smiling ]

[ fade out ]

[Michael]

That all sounds totally stressful.

I can understand why you'd feel that way reading that, but it wasn't. More of a spectacle than anything. I was honestly impressed how low key and smooth the chair swap was.

[G. Keenan]

I went there years ago. A great once in a lifetime experience that I'll never do again because of cost.

All that being said, I've never heard of that publication.

Lol, they called it a "painstakingly curated experience."

Is that supposed to sound like an appealing quality?

Given how fancy pants the restaurant it's not too stuffy. Some French restaurants I've been to have been more white glove.

Regardless the service was on point. I remember when my wife went to the restroom they folded her napkin. Not a big deal and that's pretty standard for a nice restaurant. But while they were folding the napkin the person noticed a light and small stain on her chair. The person folding the napkin motioned to another person and they smoothly picked up her chair and came back with another one before she even returned to her seat. It was pretty funny.

Oh, I'm not trying to say anything bad about Alinea, just making fun of the phrase "painstakingly curated" used in the context of a restaurant review.

[Michael]

Oh, I'm not trying to say anything bad about Alinea, just making fun of the phrase "painstakingly curated" used in the context of a restaurant review.

I know you weren't. Your comment just brought back that memory to me.

[G. Keenan]

Oh, I'm not trying to say anything bad about Alinea, just making fun of the phrase "painstakingly curated" used in the context of a restaurant review.

I know you weren't. Your comment just brought back that memory to me.

How is Roister? I've heard good things but never been.

The finest dining I've had lately has probably been Elske. Great spot, though I was there for a private party with a pre set menu so I can't speak to the whole menu, but delicious food with a cool Scandinavian vibe.

[Michael]

I haven't been to Roister. After Next I got sick of their ticketing system. I'm sure I'll eventually go but for whatever reason I've been going to other places and eating out less.

I used to find tasting menus fun, but I'm completely sick of them. They're expensive and take forever. The worst is when your in the middle of a tasting menu and you realize it sucks. You feel like you're trapped and lighting money on fire.

[33anda3rd]

Roister is ok. The fried chicken is a must-eat dish. My beef with Roister was that we went a la carte and we ordered like 8 dishes to share and we were done in under an hour. First dish hit the table, we started on it, then a second hit. When we finished the first and were working the second, the third hit as they pulled plate one off the table. Then the fourth came. Another plate came off the table, another went down in its place. It's like they were trying to get the table turned as fast as possible.

FWIW as a restaurant person in town, I'm not 100% in support of patronizing them. Other than the main investor and partner Nick, who I've always enjoyed and has always been nice to my wife and me, the team there is known to be screamers. If a server drops a fork in the dining room at any of their places, that server is sent home. Break a glass, sent home. Chef is in a bad mood and you're closest to him, you're sent home. Brochu, the chef at Roister, I have it on good authority will fire someone on the spot just because he's in a bad mood, and will threaten people with "do you know how many people I've fired?" and then follow that up with bragging about just how many people he has fired. When he screams at someone the only acceptable answer is "yes, chef!" and if you say "okay" or "heard" you get scolded for not saying "yes chef!" I know at least two dozen people who have worked for that group and none of them have ever told me that they thought it was a particularly good place to work or that they would go back. There is no gratuity, just the service charge that is built into a guest's bill, and the servers are paid like $15/hour so they are almost always looking for front of house help because no one stays there. Basically the staff gets bullied, insulted, screamed at for significantly less than they'd earn somewhere else. The benefit of that for the guest is great--that "service charge" covers expensive ingredients and an army of kitchen labor that they would not be able to afford, even at the high price tag, if the "service charge" was a gratuity paid to the server.

I used to find tasting menus fun, but I'm completely sick of them.

I hear you on that. I'm sick of Chef-Driven Upscale Neighborhood Scratch Kitchen Hip Hop Soundtrack Selvege Demin Apron Overdesigned Housemade Bread Octopus Beet Salad restaurants, which is virtually every new place in town these days. I'd way rather eat dumplings in Chinatown, Thai food, Middle Eastern Food or something of the like in a small storefront run by a mom and pop who are like "here, this is how my grandmother made it."