Get Out Of My House!

[clement]

I only now saw this thread. GK you really are about a month and a half late in dealing with this problem. Silence = tacit approval in many people's eyes. I surely wouldn't crash on someone's couch for 2 months and on top of that not offer to pay anything, but I've known plenty of people who would. You should have nipped this in the bud from the beginning. You and your roommate (not the guy) need to talk, because she is the one that's causing the problem for you, not him. But she doesn't even know she's caused a problem for you because as far as I can tell from what you've said, you haven't even told her that any of these things are bugging you. But before you address anything with her, you have to ask what you would expect from her if you were dating a girl in a similar situation ... in between places, her place is a shared space. Would you be having her around all the time and expect your roommate to tolerate that? If not, where would the two of you go?

You and she need to hash out what the expectations and rules of the living arrangement are, including how to deal with guests. The problem is that now it may be too late to do this without it becoming personal and emotional.

The other approaches that you're considering are passive aggressive.

[phins]

first reaction is to get extremely defensive, angry, often cry, and generally try to guilt the other person into ever having said anything in the first place.

Didn't you already establish that your roommate was a woman?

Exactly.

As for the common spaces, it just sounds like there might be a more mature way to handle the situation, I still think you should just talk to her about it.

[Michael]

I still think me acting like a complete jerk is your best option.

[KyCardinalFan]

This is really starting to depress me. I feel like a third wheel in my own house. This guy is here ALL the time.

So now he's "moved" out but he's still here all the freakin' time. I guess he still has the set of keys she gave him. He stayed over last night and she was gone most of this afternoon. That didn't stop him from sitting on my couch all afternoon watching my tv, then taking a shower here, and now again sitting on my couch watching the Yankees/Sox game. He's a Red Sox fan.

At first I was angry about this but now I'm just sad. I don't know what to do about it. How am I supposed to ask her not to let him spend so much time here? It doesn't seem to even have occurred to her that it's a problem. I think she's very happy to finally have a real boyfriend after spending two years as the "other woman" to a complete d-bag and consequently she has just handed him the keys to the kindgdom, so to speak. I swear that at no point have I ever been asked if I have any thoughts on how much freakin' time they spend here. Maybe they don't think it's a problem because I always give them the run of the apartment, but I'm doing that because I don't like being around them when they're being all coupley, which is always.

Change the locks!!


I'm still pondering your situation, but I have questions. Was the house-sitting idea consulted with you? Were any living arrangements discussed then? (i.e. Did she say, "Just while we're gone." or "Until he finds a place." or anything that indicated an end date thought on her part)?

My initial reaction is to talk with her to, at the very minimum, get the other set of keys back. This could be framed as a safety/security issue to keep it from getting personal. But I'd like to hear how the house-sitting came up, to get a feel of how she views the situation and how much she respects you as a roomie. You and she been friends long?

[G. Keenan]

This is really starting to depress me. I feel like a third wheel in my own house. This guy is here ALL the time.

So now he's "moved" out but he's still here all the freakin' time. I guess he still has the set of keys she gave him. He stayed over last night and she was gone most of this afternoon. That didn't stop him from sitting on my couch all afternoon watching my tv, then taking a shower here, and now again sitting on my couch watching the Yankees/Sox game. He's a Red Sox fan.

At first I was angry about this but now I'm just sad. I don't know what to do about it. How am I supposed to ask her not to let him spend so much time here? It doesn't seem to even have occurred to her that it's a problem. I think she's very happy to finally have a real boyfriend after spending two years as the "other woman" to a complete d-bag and consequently she has just handed him the keys to the kindgdom, so to speak. I swear that at no point have I ever been asked if I have any thoughts on how much freakin' time they spend here. Maybe they don't think it's a problem because I always give them the run of the apartment, but I'm doing that because I don't like being around them when they're being all coupley, which is always.

Change the locks!!


I'm still pondering your situation, but I have questions. Was the house-sitting idea consulted with you? Were any living arrangements discussed then? (i.e. Did she say, "Just while we're gone." or "Until he finds a place." or anything that indicated an end date thought on her part)?

My initial reaction is to talk with her to, at the very minimum, get the other set of keys back. This could be framed as a safety/security issue to keep it from getting personal. But I'd like to hear how the house-sitting came up, to get a feel of how she views the situation and how much she respects you as a roomie. You and she been friends long?

The house sitting came up the day before we were set to leave, and it was actually he that told me. She said she would have liked to be the one to tell me but he beat her to the punch. I was not consulted on the decision. Both she and he were adamant that he would be out by the time we got home.

Clement you make very good points. I should have nipped this in the bud earlier. I think the extent to which it improves will actually be a function of what he does. Frankly, as much as I've complained about him overstaying his welcome, he seems to be the one more aware that he did that. She wanted him to sleep here last night but he refused, so she went over to his place.

I don't think bringing it up is necessarily the best approach. I had a long conversation with a mutual friend last night who is very perceptive about my roommate and always has been. My roommate does not like people to directly confront her with things. The results are rarely good. Another thing is that my roommate is usually drunk at the times when we could discuss these issues and doing so in that state would be pointless. Also, confronting her, I know from past experiences, would give her ammunition to be passive aggressive with me. I know that sounds like crazy thinking on my part, but it's a pattern that has repeated itself many times in the 2 years that I've known her. I will be moving out of this apartment in four months no matter what so all of that doesn't really seem worth it.

The strategy of reclaiming some of my space is not passive aggressive, it's aggressive. I'm not talking about kicking them out, just taking my 50%. Up until now I've been giving them 100%.

[clement]

I will be moving out of this apartment in four months no matter what so all of that doesn't really seem worth it.

This is the most important point. Ride it out and you'll be done with it soon enough. She sounds like a really insensitive roommate.

[Fat_Bulldog]

Just imagine what I act like at home and do that.

[Arthur Dent]

To say you should have dealt with this earlier is easy, but how do you actually do that if you don't realize it's going to be a problem until it's already too late?

I find a similar problem in lots of other areas. For example, if you are listening to a presentation, when is it OK to interrupt to ask a question? It's disruptive and annoying to just hop in the instant something is unclear because it's very likely that the explanation will be coming, but if you wait, the topic will change and it's too late. In this case, would it really be prudent the bring the subject up if he's only stayed over a couple of nights? At that point, it's probably not that big a deal.

Edit: Is there any way you could prompt her in to asking you whether you're bothered by this?

[G. Keenan]

To say you should have dealt with this earlier is easy, but how do you actually do that if you don't realize it's going to be a problem until it's already too late?

I find a similar problem in lots of other areas. For example, if you are listening to a presentation, when is it OK to interrupt to ask a question? It's disruptive and annoying to just hop in the instant something is unclear because it's very likely that the explanation will be coming, but if you wait, the topic will change and it's too late. In this case, would it really be prudent the bring the subject up if he's only stayed over a couple of nights? At that point, it's probably not that big a deal.

Edit: Is there any way you could prompt her in to asking you whether you're bothered by this?

True. And to have brought it up when he was living here didn't really seem like an option because where would he go? He was homeless. I guess he could have gone to a different friend's house.

She may or may not ask about it. If she does I'll tell her what I think.

[phins]

Good luck my friend, that's a tricky situation.

4 months isn't exactly short term though, that's pretty much an entire semester.